Schizophrenia?

I sat in the dimly-lit room, my back to the wall and my eyes shut tight.

"Alyssa...Alyssaaa..." the voices were getting louder. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, burying my face in the darkness. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter as I felt the hot tears begin to fall. My body shook with fear as the whispers drew closer.

"Don't look, don't look," I whispered to myself through my sobs. I forced myself against the wall, digging my nails into my arm, feeling the tiny goosebumps that covered my clammy body.
The voices got louder and louder until finally I couldn't take it anymore. "Stop! Please! Please, I'm begging you! I can't take it, please," I screamed, reaching the climax of my fear, releasing the tight grip on my arm.

I opened my eyes and slowly looked up, my breathing heavy. I lifted my arm and slowly wiped the salty tears from my face as I took a deep breath. The voices had finally stopped. I stared at the deep red blood that ran down my arm and the nail marks from which it came. I ran my long pale fingers through my thick brown hair and begin to sob again. I felt my body tremble with each inhale as I tried to calm down and pull myself together.

I took a deep breath and slowly stood up, walking towards my bathroom. I flicked on the light and pulled my hair back, turning on the cold water, splashing it onto my face. I stood there for a moment, hovering over the sink, the cold water dripping from my nose and lips. I closed my eyes and took long, deep breaths, enjoying the oxygen that slowly filled my lungs.

Finally, I opened my eyes and looked up, avoiding contact with the mirror. After a moment, my curiosity got the best of me and I cautiously looked to the mirror. I let out a sigh of relief when all that stared back at me was my soft pale face and my bright green eyes. I closed my eyes lightly as a small smile formed on my lips: the first smile in months. My smile fled as soon as I opened my eyes and saw the mirror again. He was watching me.

"Come here, Alyssa..." His cheeky grin turned into a soft chuckle that grew louder and louder with each passing second until finally his laughter completely engulfed me and rang in my ears. His long arms reached out toward me as I stared vacantly at his blood-splattered face.

I let a sly smile work it's way onto my lips as I looked up at him, his pointy teeth exposed. "I'm don't with this torture," I whispered, emotionless. His smile widened sheepishly and he grabbed my arm, squeezing tight and pulling me towards him until I was close enough. He leaned forward and whispered in my ear, his hot breath sending chills down my spine.

"Is that so?"

I giggled and shut my eyes calmly. "Yes."

The laughter began one last time until it echoed throughout the house, filling every last crevice with madness. I listened to his laughter as he held me close until finally--darkness.

Originality.

Originality. 

No honey, I hate to break it to you, but you're not, "special in your own way." Nobody is special. Out of all the people in the world, you're, "special?" No, I don't think so. You're just like somebody else. Nobody is original. 

You see that guy over there that calls you beautiful? The one that makes you feel special? Well you're not. There's always other girls && he's always said the same exact thing to one of them. You're just another girl in his life sweetie, you're not special at all. 

You know that idea you had yesterday? The one you thought was so amazing? Yeah, well somebody else has thought of it too, don't get all excited. 

You know how you feel right now? How you really feel? Somebody else has felt the exact same way, quite possibly for the exact same reason. 

Yet none of this is necessarily a bad thing. It only means that you're not alone. Whatever you're going through right now, somebody else has gone through too. They know exactly how you feel. You're not a l o n e.

Isolated.

    I feel alone. Sitting here on the ground, the laptop warm in my lap, Blink 182 blasting in my ears, I feel isolated. I feel like I don’t even exist.
    I’ve been holding in my feelings for so long, it’s really starting to get to me. I’m so stressed from all this pressure. The pressure of depressed friends, feeling like I can’t make them happy: feeling useless. The pressure of my boyfriend having issues with one of my good friends. The pressure of people being jealous. The pressure of never feeling good enough. The pressure of preparing for high school. The pressure of parents, not wanting to disappoint them. The pressure of making the right decisions; the pressure of life. It’s getting to me. I’m at the breaking point.
    All I can think about is how much better life would be without certain people, or with people who can’t, or shouldn’t be in my life anymore. All I can think about is how much I wish life could be easy like it used to be. I think about how much I hate change. I think about how much I wish she would just disappear. I think about how often people wish I would just disappear. I think about how badly I want to be with him, how much I miss him. I think about how much happier I would be if I was with him. And last but not least, I think about how badly I need somebody to tell everything to.

I need somebody to vent to. I need somebody to talk to. I know I have plenty of people I could talk to, I just don’t feel like I have anybody I could actually trust with my thoughts; I feel like everyone will just judge me. I know I’m not perfect and you don’t need to remind me. I’m insecure and I get stressed and upset easily, and I just need somebody that will put up with that and love me for who I am, without judging me or jumping to conclusions like human beings do.

    I haven’t had a friend that I could actually talk to about personal stuff since Rai moved. She was one of the only people I could ever trust with anything and everything. She was one of the only people that I could vent to and she would just listen. No judging, no comments on what I should have or could have done better, just listening. That’s all I needed, too: just somebody to listen to me and not judge me or try to correct me, and that’s what she did. But since she left, I haven’t really had anybody like that to talk to.

Actually, I was left alone before that: since she changed. I feel like everyone around me is changing. I’m sure that everyone else sees my changes too, but I feel like I’m the only one that’s staying  the same. I don’t understand; people that used to be such good friends never have any time for me any more, they’ve changed and moved on. Everyone says change is a good thing but really, it’s not. I know the reality of what change is, to me. It shatters everything and makes everything different. It stresses me out, it makes me depressed. I like when things just stay the same.

    I feel like no one understands me and maybe that’s just a teenage thing, but it hurts. I feel like crying all the time. I’m so stressed. I just want to find some way to get away from the world. Or maybe I already have: I block everyone out. I can’t remember the last time I actually did something and fully enjoyed it. I’m always in a daze, kind of blurring out everything around me, leaving me alone with my thoughts; isolating myself. So maybe it’s all my fault that I feel this way. I’m doing this to myself, but it’s not my fault that trust issues are eating away at me. I can’t trust people, I don’t have real friends, and that’s not my fault, I don’t even really know why I’m this way, I just am.
    So as I sit here alone in the hallway at school, dividing my thoughts, tearing them apart and piecing them back together, I’m starting to find out a little about myself and the way my brain works. Not much, just little things. Sadly, I can never figure myself out, and neither can anybody else, so don’t even try. I have 15 minutes left before my thoughts are bottled up and tossed once more to the back of my consciousness. 15 minutes until I go back to being numb, blurring out the world; isolating myself.

There’s that word again: isolated. What does isolated even mean? The dictionary defines it as detached: being or feeling set or kept apart from others; cut off or left behind; remote and separate physically or socially. I’d say that’s a pretty good word to describe how I’m feeling.

Even now, as I sit here surrounded by these so-called friends, classmates, I still feel alone. For some reason, I still feel like everything is broken and nobody cares to fix it, but as much as I hate to say it, that’s my fault. It’s my fault that I can’t just be happy with the friends I have. It’s my fault that I block everyone out. I can’t help it though, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I can’t wait until the day when I actually feel something. Until then, I’ll just go back to being numb and blocking everyone, and everything out: isolating myself once again.

Uncontrollable.

The stress is eating me alive. I hate this feeling I get every day. I'm so nervous. It feels like my stomach is dropping. Or butterflies. It's horrible. I'm on the edge of tears praying he won't snap. It's so much harder to fix something that's not under your control. It's so hard to control somebody else. I understand he way he feels but at the same time I jut want him to calm down. I understand the hatred he feels because I feel it too. Bu I know how to control myself. If he snaps...it's all over. Everyone will hate him even more. Everyone will hate me. I will lose best friends. It's so hard to deal with this. He promised me he wouldn't do it but still...the tension is killing me. I still feel like he's gonna hit he breaking point and not be able to control himself...he's going to ruin everything, I can feel it. I'm just waiting in silence for the day to come.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Everything happens for a reason. There's so many people in my life that I have lost because of stupid reasons. But maybe they weren't such stupid reasons. Maybe there was something deeper than that. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. 
The only way I ever got over any of the friends or boyfriends that I had lost was by trying as hard as I possibly could to move on. For a long time it was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. But now, I can finally get over them by realizing that I have better friends. The friends I have now are perfect and I don't ever want to lose them. But truthfully, I probably will. But whatever happens--happens. I got over my last boyfriend by finding another guy that really likes me. And I really like him. Maybe my ex's weren't the only good guys in the world. All it takes to change your mind is having the right mindset and thinking positively. I found it a lot easier than I had thought it would be.

Insecurities.

Why is it so hard for people to accept my decisions? It's my life; not yours. You need to stop worrying about my life and my opinions and my decisions. Let me just live my life. 
I really hate when people try to tell me to do something because THEY want me to. Not because it's better for me or anyone else, just them. It's hard to deal with people sometimes because they try to get me to do stuff that I don't want to do. I'm so close to giving in to peer pressure.
But no; I'm better than that. It's my life and I'll make my own decisions. I know what's good for me and what's not. I'm not THAT stupid. 
Peer pressure. I used to think it was easy to stick up for what you believe in. But it's harder than I thought. After a while it gets to you. It's eating me alive. Why is it so hard to just say no? Why is it that everyone cares so much about what everybody else thinks of them? Is it because they're insecure? Is it because they want to be cool? Or maybe they just don't care. Could it be that they don't want to lose the friends that they have? Maybe it's the fact that everybody just wants fit in. 
Nobody's perfect; no matter how hard you try, you will never be perfect. Everybody has something that is wrong with them; everybody has their own little insecurities. Me, I have a lot. I think more than most people. It's so hard for me to do normal things because I'm always so insecure. I always feel like I'm never good enough an I need to be perfect. But nobody can. And I try to keep that in mind. But it's harder than it seems. 
I have really bad trust issues. I don't think there's really any remedy for that. I've been hurt too badly to forgive and forget. My insecurities combine with my trust issues and make every day a living hell for me. I try so hard to convince myself that people are my real friends and that they love me for me. But my insecurities get the best of me.