Isolated.

    I feel alone. Sitting here on the ground, the laptop warm in my lap, Blink 182 blasting in my ears, I feel isolated. I feel like I don’t even exist.
    I’ve been holding in my feelings for so long, it’s really starting to get to me. I’m so stressed from all this pressure. The pressure of depressed friends, feeling like I can’t make them happy: feeling useless. The pressure of my boyfriend having issues with one of my good friends. The pressure of people being jealous. The pressure of never feeling good enough. The pressure of preparing for high school. The pressure of parents, not wanting to disappoint them. The pressure of making the right decisions; the pressure of life. It’s getting to me. I’m at the breaking point.
    All I can think about is how much better life would be without certain people, or with people who can’t, or shouldn’t be in my life anymore. All I can think about is how much I wish life could be easy like it used to be. I think about how much I hate change. I think about how much I wish she would just disappear. I think about how often people wish I would just disappear. I think about how badly I want to be with him, how much I miss him. I think about how much happier I would be if I was with him. And last but not least, I think about how badly I need somebody to tell everything to.

I need somebody to vent to. I need somebody to talk to. I know I have plenty of people I could talk to, I just don’t feel like I have anybody I could actually trust with my thoughts; I feel like everyone will just judge me. I know I’m not perfect and you don’t need to remind me. I’m insecure and I get stressed and upset easily, and I just need somebody that will put up with that and love me for who I am, without judging me or jumping to conclusions like human beings do.

    I haven’t had a friend that I could actually talk to about personal stuff since Rai moved. She was one of the only people I could ever trust with anything and everything. She was one of the only people that I could vent to and she would just listen. No judging, no comments on what I should have or could have done better, just listening. That’s all I needed, too: just somebody to listen to me and not judge me or try to correct me, and that’s what she did. But since she left, I haven’t really had anybody like that to talk to.

Actually, I was left alone before that: since she changed. I feel like everyone around me is changing. I’m sure that everyone else sees my changes too, but I feel like I’m the only one that’s staying  the same. I don’t understand; people that used to be such good friends never have any time for me any more, they’ve changed and moved on. Everyone says change is a good thing but really, it’s not. I know the reality of what change is, to me. It shatters everything and makes everything different. It stresses me out, it makes me depressed. I like when things just stay the same.

    I feel like no one understands me and maybe that’s just a teenage thing, but it hurts. I feel like crying all the time. I’m so stressed. I just want to find some way to get away from the world. Or maybe I already have: I block everyone out. I can’t remember the last time I actually did something and fully enjoyed it. I’m always in a daze, kind of blurring out everything around me, leaving me alone with my thoughts; isolating myself. So maybe it’s all my fault that I feel this way. I’m doing this to myself, but it’s not my fault that trust issues are eating away at me. I can’t trust people, I don’t have real friends, and that’s not my fault, I don’t even really know why I’m this way, I just am.
    So as I sit here alone in the hallway at school, dividing my thoughts, tearing them apart and piecing them back together, I’m starting to find out a little about myself and the way my brain works. Not much, just little things. Sadly, I can never figure myself out, and neither can anybody else, so don’t even try. I have 15 minutes left before my thoughts are bottled up and tossed once more to the back of my consciousness. 15 minutes until I go back to being numb, blurring out the world; isolating myself.

There’s that word again: isolated. What does isolated even mean? The dictionary defines it as detached: being or feeling set or kept apart from others; cut off or left behind; remote and separate physically or socially. I’d say that’s a pretty good word to describe how I’m feeling.

Even now, as I sit here surrounded by these so-called friends, classmates, I still feel alone. For some reason, I still feel like everything is broken and nobody cares to fix it, but as much as I hate to say it, that’s my fault. It’s my fault that I can’t just be happy with the friends I have. It’s my fault that I block everyone out. I can’t help it though, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I can’t wait until the day when I actually feel something. Until then, I’ll just go back to being numb and blocking everyone, and everything out: isolating myself once again.