I love lectures sometimes

So I was on FACEBOOK talking to my best friends older brother. He's in college. And he started lecturing me about school. For once I didn't get Annoyed. It was actually quite pleasant. And thank God I learned something from it!(:

School isn't all about teaching you the things they teach you. It's also about just teachin you to learn. So all the stuff you learn may not be important but it does help you learn to study and learn and all that stuff. Going to school prepares you for all the things in life that may follow. Sometimes, I think, "why can't I just NOT go to school?" by now I realize how much I would miss out on. Problem solving skills, learning and studying skills, and math and history and all that other academic stuff as well. And although some of that academic stuf may not be so important, it teaches you that sometimes in life you'll be forced to do things you don't want to do. sometimes you just have to suck it up an do it.

Always keep your mind open to everything because you never know what you might learn!(:

Inspiring Quote #1 (:

It takes luck for a miracle, but it does't take a miracle to get lucky.

I found this extremely meaningful when my friend Trevor told me it. He texted me telling me I was going to get very lucky soon. When I asked what he meant when he said lucky, he began to name lucky things that happen. (Meeting a movie star, winning the lottery, etc.) And I told him, "Yeah right, I never get lucky. Nothing lucky will happen to me until I'm like 37! Hahaha!" His response was: "It takes luck for a miracle, but it doesn't take a miracle to get lucky." And that really got me thinking. He was right. Maybe something huge wouldn't happen, but I would get lucky. The possibility of it being a miracle is very slim, but of course I could always get lucky. (:

Mystery.

            Last night my “brother” asked me a question about life: Why all the mystery? Why does everything need to be kept an absolute mystery to us?

            Well how would there be a way to reveal the truth? And why would anybody want to do that? Mystery is such an amazing thing. It makes life fun and unexpected. That’s what makes life worth while. What would be the fun of knowing everything? The best part of life is finding things out as you go along, right?

            But mystery keeps you guessing and leads you into wonder.

            True. And who ever said that guessing and thinking is a bad thing? It’s great to discover new things and think outside the box. Thinking is something we do on a regular basis and without mystery there would be no need.

            I love mystery. It’s dark, but light; it’s balanced perfectly. You never know why lies ahead. It’s beautiful.

Deep Inside

For school, I take a Drama class, right? Well our teacher, Craig, made us create our own characters, in a way. First we made out walk. Then our face that went with it. Then our actions, and the way we said "Hello." It was interesting to see peoples characters because I realized something nobody that else did. Our characters weren't just something we made up on the spot. They came from somewhere. They were something we wanted to be; something we felt inside.

My character was shy and kind of awkward. That's the way I feel inside every day. Awkward, sad, upset. I just never want to show it. My character brought it out of me. It was a way for me to let it out, without it really being known that I feel that way. Of course, I didn't think about that at the time that I made up my character. I just thought about it today and realized it.

My other friend, for example, was a snobby girl; very bratty and rude. Lately she's been starting to show that too. Every day, she seems to act more and more like her character and I can't stand it. I think the characters really were just the epitome of how we feel inside, without us knowing.

Stuck in the Box

Today, my teacher showed us a video. A video about Education. Part of it was about imagination and "thinking outside of the box." I feel like I don't think enough. Like when I think, It's not so much because I want to, but more because I have to. I feel uncreative and plain and I hate it. I need to think outside of the box. I wonder how many uses I could think of for a paperclip? Or a box of cards? Or a peice of string? Probably three, unless I thought really hard about it. I feel like I'm not as creative as I used to be. What's happening? My goal for this week is to be creative and think about things differently.

Depressing. Meaningful. (About a Family Member, Not Myself)

The razorblade laughs,

Soaking in your blood,

Feeling the satisfaction of slowly slicing through soft human flesh,

Never regretting the pain it caused you,

Only I know the deep stabbing pain of regret,

Only I know how much of life you’re passing by,

I understand your pain,

The dark pain you feel inside,

The pain of a bullet shot right through you’re heart,

The feeling of deep pain and heavy weight on your chest,

I know.

Let me be your open-heart surgeon,

I can take the pain away,

Take away the hatred,

And replace it with love and laughter,

Let me help you.

Forgotten Teddy Bear

            I sat alone and cold on the bedroom floor, one button eye missing and my leg torn. I stared at the wall wishing someone would play with me and fix me; I longed to be loved once more. Darkness crept in as the clock on the wall ticked slowly. It was a sound I was quite used to by now. I so badly wanted to be held and cuddled and taken into bed. If only I could speak, I could tell someone how I was feeling; tell them I was in need of help; tell them I was alive.

            The bedroom door suddenly opened and I felt an overwhelming feeling of hope as I watched the boy walk in. He looked at me and I looked at him; I knew how pathetic I must have looked, dirty and lying helpless on the hard wood floor. I waited for him to walk over and lean down, pick me up and carry me away. I was euphoric when I saw him walking towards me, his arms stretched out, and he picked me up. He cared! He was going to fix me and love me! The feeling was the best I’ve ever experienced knowing that somebody cared about me again. Oh, how I missed him.

            Out of the blue was flying through the air and I hit the ground with a thump. The small thread that was holding my leg to my body finally snapped and my left leg slid across the floor. The feeling of happiness and love immediately left. If I was human, tears would have run down my face; this depression was unbearable. I lay on the floor in pain and stared at the wall once more as Robby climbed into bed and closed his eyes.

Who Am I?

            My name is Ashley. I have blown out the candles on July 23^rd each year since 1997. I’m short, and I love it. I have switched schools almost every year for my whole life so far. I hate doing group work in school. I’m pretty smart for my age. I absolutely can’t stand History. For the longest time, I had no interest in college until my Humanities teacher convinced me. I am very insecure. I constantly point out my flaws. I love my personality, yet hate my face. I only wear tight pants. I love purple; it’s quite clearly the best color. I like to stand out. I hate liking the same thing as everybody else. I am who I am and I will never change for anyone. I’m a very obstinate person. I have done many things that I am not proud of. I try hard to be a good person. I am very polite and I despise rudeness; for it is simply not necessary. I wave and say hi to people I don’t know. I like to make peoples days because I know how good it feels when someone makes my day. I love to compliment others and help them realize the amazing things about them. I give great advice. All I want is everyone around me to be happy. My biggest fears are doctors and spiders. I really don’t like feet at all. I love God although I barely know him. I don’t go to church on a regular basis as I should. I like to think. I am one of the very few people on this earth that truly knows who they are. I am easy to love and I love easily. I like to laugh and smile. I have a few very close friends that I would trust with my life. I love my family. I hate drama. I hate when people are labeled; labels are for soup cans, not people. I don’t see a point in hatred although I am guilty of it. There are many things I would like to change about the world. I like sugar. I only eat my hot Cheetos with a Slurpee.  I adore chocolate. My friends and family are my life; I would do almost anything for them. I hate lies. I feel sorry for people who aren’t close with their families. I despise people who only care about possessions. I am addicted to Facebook and my phone. I like Harry Potter. I love to read. I’m very, very lazy. I hate P.E. I wear an I heart Boobies bracelet. (Keep a Breast Foundation) I enjoy wearing Vans. I am in love with my school. I hate getting close to people because I’m always so afraid that they are going to hurt me. I am slightly afraid of change, yet open-minded. Life is all about taking risks to me. There is no meaning of life. Love is useless and just a waste of your time. I usually listen to productive criticism. I find serial killers interesting. I can’t wait ‘til I turn 18 and I can get tattoos. I am one of the most real people in the world nowadays. I make mistakes; nobody is perfect. I love to cry as a release yet it is hard for me sometimes. I’m sensitive. I hate being mean to people because memories are sometimes something that stays forever and hurts a person for a very long time. I apologize for the things I have done or people I have wronged. I love to eat but I’m very skinny. I am very grateful for all that I have. I never wear matching socks. I have small feet; I’m small. My back hurts a lot. I learned to ride a bike not too long ago. There are very few things that I look forward to in life. I don’t think my name suits me but I have learned to love it. I get bored easily. I love to text and talk on the phone. My big sister is the best; I wish I saw her more often. My favorite cereal is cocoa pebbles. I don’t paint my nails. I don’t wear dresses or skirts. I hate people who wear a lot of make-up. I’m gullible. I’m a hypocrite in many ways. I wish I had never cut nor died my hair. I often live in the past. I am myself and nobody else.

Pain

            Pain. There are two types of pain: physical and emotional. Physical pain is something easily cured at times. Medicine can fix that. Emotional pain: now that’s a different story.

            Now I’m not saying that physical pain is always easily cured; I’m just saying it’s easier cured than emotional. Emotional pain is something you feel inside; something that eats away at your mind. Emotional pain can be angry, frustrated, sad, or any other kind of unhappy feeling.

            One of the hardest things in life is learning to deal with emotional pain: heartache. I don’t really know if anyone ever learned how to deal with it. Sure, maybe you can forget about it; maybe you can do some other stuff to get it off your mind. But it’s always there. Somewhere inside, it’s all there. It’s all building up and waiting for a chance to come out; unless you know how to get rid of it.

            It’s hard to make your emotions go away, but thinking negatively never helps. If you need to let your feelings out, you should find some way that works for you. Whether it is writing, talking, crying, any way to let out those feelings, it should work. But that won’t make it go away. You have to accept change and realize that the past doesn’t matter. (That’s usually the reason for emotional pain, not always though.)

            You only live life once, (you may have different beliefs.) so you may as well make the best of it and heartache is not something I want to do in my life. Since it’s just not something I want for me, I push it away. What happened in the past doesn’t matter to me anymore; only what will happen in the future. There’s no point in mourning over the past; there’s nothing you can do about it.

            (I know I say a lot of the same stuff about the pasty and the future; it’s just something that interests me.)

Very short thoughts on time(?)

I’ve always wanted time to go faster; saying “Hurry up” and rushing through life, anxious to grow older and experience new things. Only now do I find myself wanting the clock on the wall to tick slower; wanting enough time to “stop and smell the roses.” Only now do I realize how precious time really is.

            I find myself regretting things more often than before. Every missed opportunity is a major loss. Even little things such as if you should go talk to that girl sitting alone over there or how to wear your hair that day. Something big could come from it.

            Every 60 seconds that we spend upset or unhappy with someone is a minute of happiness or friendship we’ll never get back; and we all know we could use a little more of both.

Family Wishes

            It’s so hard to let go when it’s somebody you love. It’s so hard to watch them make mistakes and know the consequences. It’s so hard to sit and wait for someone to completely leave your life. It’s so hard to sleep at night when you know what’s going to happen to your family.

            It’s horrible knowing that any second I could get a call telling me he’s gone. Crying father, supportive mother daughter and sister, well that’s not enough. That’s just not enough to heal our family. There’s enough pain brought to us by him and we all know where we’ll end up. It hurts.

            I can barely remember those days that we shared; the days when we were together; the days we were siblings. I miss those days. The hide and go seek and secret agent games…I miss them. At this point IO even miss the days we fought. The days I ran away crying and hid in my room. The days that our voices were all you could hear in our house. I miss the days that he was alive.

            I miss the laughs, the cries, the smiles, the yells, the hugs, and fights, the games, the violence, the concerts, the hatred, the love. I miss it all. What I wouldn’t give to get things back to the way they were. What I wouldn’t give to give my father good children. I know how much it hurts him and I just wish I could fix it.

            I know there’s nothing I can do; you can’t change the past but you can change the future. All I want is to be a good kid for my parents and not ever put them through this pain again. I just want everyone to be happy. If that means sacrificing my wants to make everyone else happy, I can do that. That’s such a small price to pay for such a huge gift.

Innovations Academy

            Just thinking about how great my school is for me. I learned so much more than I thought I would. At the end of the day I usually end up thinking, "Wow, today was so easy. I didn't even learn anything." But then I realize, wait, I learned so much more than I ever thought I would.
            Lisa is an amazing Math teacher; she taught me almost everything I know. I used to hate Math and I was horrible at it too. Now, I'm in Algebra and I'm doing just fine. I understand it all, I like it. That was all Lisa's doing.
            Tony made me the “amazing” writer that I am today. He is very helpful when it comes to critiquing my writing. I’ve always loved writing and Tony is the one that made me realize that I should go somewhere with it.
            At the beginning of last year, I was not going to college. I just was not going to do it and nobody could change my mind. (I’m very stubborn.) Tony forced me to go. I am a very stubborn person, once I have my mind set on something, I just won’t change. But Tony got through and made me realize how much I need to go to college and how much of a wasted opportunity it would be if I didn’t.
            The best thing about this school is that not only do they teach you stuff but if you need help they are willing to help you and make sure that you understand it. They won't move on if you don't.
            The thing that bugs me about my school is that we do not have homework. I understand the purpose; so we can have more time with family or friends. We also do more work in school so there is no need for homework. But once we get in High School, we’re going to explode from the amount of homework we will be getting each night. It’s a big change going from no homework at all to hours of it a night. I just think that maybe we should be prepared more for High School.
            Either way, this school is an amazing school that teaches us what out strong points are and what we should do with our lives. It also teaches problem solving and social skills. I love this school and I will be very disappointed when I have to move on to High School.

How Long

We sat in silence; waiting. I slowly ran my hands over the chilly goose bumps covering my arms as I felt a shiver run down my spine. My mind wandered as we sat in a deserted wasteland. I watched the employee furiously typing on his computer. Click, click, click, click, click, click. The constant clicking echoed in my thoughts, knocking them from their place and they fell to the ground with a shatter. “Who’re you waiting for?” I looked up quickly, the shock of the sudden voice hit me like a bullet.

            “Um.” My voice cracked; my thoughts still loitering in my head, lying shattered and broken on the ground, crying to be cleaned up. I looked up at Regina as she smiled.

            “Rheaven Lodas.” She looked at me again. “My daughter; her sister.” I smiled nervously and looked back down to the carpeted airport floor to pick up my thoughts. I inhaled the thick, crisp, cold, San Diego night air. It had that smell; that feel. The smell of a new car, the feel of an empty new house. So many memories yet to be made, so many stories to be told in the future. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as my jacket slowly clung to me like melting plastic; the soft cotton sleeves brushing gently against my many goose bumps. I sat quietly, breathing deeply, feeling my chest inflate like a balloon with each breath.

            Sitting just out of her line of vision, I watched my “sister” look around in confusion. I saw the slightly disappointed look on her face and took that as my cue. I flung out of my chair and leapt toward her, sprinting, my shoes screaming under the pressure of each bound. She turned around quickly and I saw the huge smile that sat upon her face. There was not a drop of hatred in her eyes and for once I felt the love that someone could only feel for close family. I wrapped my arms around her in a bear hug. How long had it been? I squeezed my sister, looking over her shoulder and noticed two girls; maybe a year or two older than myself, laughing and smiling, walking together and my smile grew wider.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

            In a way, it helps to cry. And in a way it makes it worse. I shouldn’t cry because it’s over and I want things back to the way they were. I should smile and be happy and think about the memories I have and what I learned from it.

            She taught me a lot. One of the most important things is who I am. It’s crazy how a person can help you realize who you are. They bring out the real you; not the one you fake to make people like you. They bring out the real you; who you are inside.

            Another important thing she taught me is how to love; how to trust someone with all your heart and love them like there’s no tomorrow. I loved who she was and who I was when I was with her. 

            One more thing she taught me was that people let you down sometimes; you can’t always trust everyone forever. And when that person lets you down and leaves, you have to let go because there’s no way to heal if you don’t.

            People come and go through-out life, that’s just the way it is. They come into your life and teach you how to love and hate, how to deal with problems, and how to be yourself. And when they leave they teach you so much more; you just have to open your eyes to see it.